An Introduction
As some readers know, I have tried several times to somehow separate my "serious" writing from my purely personal or "diary" type musings and ramblings. I have finally come to accept that, for me, this is an impossible goal. I’m not sure whether to consider this a personality flaw... perhaps it is a symptom of being overly self-involved, perhaps an arrogance. I do know it is the main reason why I could never "be a writer" in the sense of being a novelist, or even a columnist. In one sense, to me, writing is a bit like chopping wood. There are times when I really want to chop wood with an axe. Just because I want to; just because it makes me feel good at the moment. But I would be horrified at the thought that I must chop wood in order to have heat in the winter (been there, done that). And if some unfortunate soul should suggest to me that I persue wood-chopping as a career, every ounce of my self-control would be taxed in the effort to avoid turning said person into mush.
Though I don’t feel quite that strongly regarding writing, it is nonetheless true, for better or worse, that the resentment I would feel at the notion of living up to someone else’s demands or expectations regarding my writing would be such that I would experience intractable writer’s block. I must not only follow the First Rule of Writing - write what you know - I must, in order to write at all, do so in my own way in my own time.
This becomes a problem only when it conflicts with the fundamental reason why anyone would ever write anything - the intent and hope of being read and/or paid. Like many other people, I suppose, I wish to be both understood and liked. Finding myself on the downhill side of fifty now, the "understood" has overtaken the "liked" in order of importance. The chances of anyone ever paying me for my writing are about as good as being able to vacation on Mars this summer (I would honestly feel like I was stealing if someone paid me), still, read or not read, the compulsion within me to commit thoughts and words to some visible form presses me onward. In fact I "write" virtually all the time, (though only a tiny percentage of it reaches "print") but my "calling", as it were, is different from most other writers; my interest is not writing for the sake of writing, or for profit, or in telling a story, but in teaching, educating, convincing. That is, in Christian terminology, I have "felt the call to the ministry."
This is not a new thing with me; I felt this way even when I was a child, but then my extreme shyness and lack of self-confidence put the cabosh on that, which was just as well because I had not then either the knowledge or wisdom or maturity to be a preacher or teacher. While I was yet a Christian I also felt this "call" and seriously entertained the notion of becoming a preacher. In fact, I actually DID become a legally ordained minister by mail sometime in the early 90’s through an organization such as the Universal Life Church in Modesto, CA. That may have been the one I used. (Their site now says, "There is no charge or obligation associated with your ordination. Ordination is for life, without cost, and without question of faith"[emphasis added]).
Becoming an ordained minister and being baptised (both of which I did) were two of the things that I thought at the time might be requirements, or at least helpful, in my search for truth. I reasoned that God should not care HOW I became ordained, so long as my desire was genuine.
I never officially attended an "seminary" of any kind. I did, though, study the subject of Christianity and religion in general far longer and in far more depth and detail than most seminary students do, because many such students do so with the intent of it being their career, and I did it SOLELY because I was in a serious personal search for truth. When I was a Christian I was as devout in my belief as any Christian can be. But I became less and less satisfied with mere belief; I wanted to KNOW. Sometimes my wife and I would go to other church member’s homes for Bible study. Almost always we would assure each other that "I know that I know that I know" that God is real and loves me, and is in control, etc. I realized that, in fact, I did NOT know. I certainly believed. In accordance with 1 Peter 3:15, I could point to many reasons for my belief. But it was still belief. I could not fathom why it was so incredibly important to God that people BELIEVE; why not simply remove every shred of doubt of His existence?
It was probably somewhere in this period that I started to feel the first twinges of fear, and thus began to pray more often for my faith to be strengthened. I fancied that such feelings might have been similar to those felt by Adam and Eve. It seemed obvious to me that the "question" of where one would spend eternity surely must be the single most important question life could offer, and the answer equally important. I still think that. It still astounds me that so very few seem to actually care whether such a thing can be known or not, and that so many forcefully assert that such things CANNOT be known, but must simply be either accepted or not on faith.
When I hear Christians seriously and genuinely speak of "recognizing a call" to be a preacher or missionary, etc., I know whereof they speak. Only now I understand that "the call" is simply a particular aspect of one’s personality in the same way that one might "feel the call" to be a doctor or to climb mountains or to compose music. To feel compelled to share or spread information, especially information you consider very good; to wish to teach or preach or instruct, is simply a personality trait, not the voice of a deity.
I think that one should know something of the preacher if one is to understand the sermons. I am naturally a preacher (preach - to put forth; proclaim; advocate;) and I will present sermons (discourses or addresses; talks; writings;) here. That aspect of personality which causes me to wish to spread knowledge is still there. I am now in a much better position, experiencially, financially, and in other ways, to be able to do so. I now have a much greater grasp of many truths than I ever did before. I now understand the actual "source" of "the call". I have passed through several stages regarding religious ideologies, from devout Christian, through agnostic, to atheist, to Gnostic (from the Greek gonsis - to know) Atheist (from the the Greek a- without, theos - god) Evangelist (one who preaches the gospel). This means that I am one who knows that it is utterly impossible for there to be any God, (a supernatural being), and I preach (proclaim or put forth in a sermon; advocate) this Gospel ("good news"). Note that I do not assert that theword definitions used here are absolute - merely ONE definition.
Further, like Christopher Hitchens and others, I am passionately anti-theistic, meaning that I positively loathe all theistic religion because it is far more than merely untrue and factually incorrect; it is the source of more death and misery on this planet than all other sources combined. Religion is the single worst atrocity humanity ever inflicted upon itself. It continues to promote fear, ignorance, stupidity and violence on a global scale, and one of the worst offenders among allegedly civilized nations is the United States of America.
Of course, ALL sermons originating here will not be explicitly atheistic, except in the sense that their author is. Atheist is not ALL that I am, but it is certainly one major part of my foundation. Although there will appear to be, at first glance, many things in life which seem to have nothing whatever to do with God or religion, if you dig deeply enough, you will find few things not derived from or entertwined with religion in some way.
I deeply and genuninely appreciate your taking the time to read here and to comment, offer suggestions, corrections, etc. Thank you.
TRB
